I Stole It With The President
Tony Stark’s Red Thong Of Justice

So, you all know the about Tony’s Iron Man Thong, right?

If not, I am here to share it with you.

This is the story of the time the Avengers went up against the Molecule Man. The time Steve rode Tony like a horse. The time Tony fought crime in a thong. 

So, there’s some boring backstory to this, but essentially one day in 1982 the Silver Surfer, who is not an Avenger, summons the Avengers to help him battle the Molecule Man. Molecule Man wants to take over the world and he controls molecules, so he’s kind of a big deal. 

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Incidentally, this comic is exceptionally cracked out for the 80s. Most Avengers comics in the eighties were not this ridiculous. Just, for context.

The Avengers who are present to help are Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, and Tigra, a cat-human hybrid who is new to the team and worried she’s not pulling her weight. They decide yes, Molecule Man is a threat, and fly off to find him. Thor flies via hammer, Surfer takes Tigra with him on his surfboard, and…

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I am 100% sure Steve said “Giddap” at least once. How could you not?

Anyway, they reach the Molecule Man’s lair, where he promptly and handily pwns them by destroying the sources of their power. 

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Yes, I know. Tony looks suspiciously naked for a guy who wears metal armor. You know why? It’s because under the Iron Man suit…

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…Tony wears a red thong and a smile. 

You’ll notice Tigra is just kind of chilling and playing Lady Exposition, since Molecule Man couldn’t take her power from her. 

Molecule Man supposedly crushes the Avengers in his inconveniently giant crushing machine, and Tigra basically stands around feeling unhappy about it while he goes on to wreak havoc elsewhere. 

But wait! The Silver Surfer managed to transport the others out of the inconveniently giant crushing machine at the last minute. There is some collateral damage, however. Steve is missing his shield, Thor has been transformed back into Don Blake, and Tony’s…feeling a draft.

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Bear in mind at this point neither the Surfer nor Steve knew who Iron Man and Thor were, though Don and Tony knew each others’ identity. Surfer doesn’t really care, but Steve is…perplexed.

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He’s also, well, he’s just not entirely comfortable with this turn of events.

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Tony, you are wearing a loincloth for God’s sake. 

On the other hand, Tigra fights in a bikini, so….

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The upshot is that they all fight Molecule Man and Cap manages to knock him out, but then of course the problem is that as soon as he wakes up they’ll all be right back where they started.

Tony decides murder is clearly the only option here. Well, the man is cold and experiencing shrinkage in front of Captain America. He and Steve are fighting about it when suddenly….

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As it turns out, Tigra woke Molecule Man up and talked him into the most hilarious surrender ever.

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Even Cap doesn’t think this guy is for real. Tony’s bitchface is epic. 

But it turns out Molecule Man is genuinely contrite. He even gives them back their stuff.

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Kind of.

I was hoping for a bit more fallout over the fact that Tony has been lying to Steve for eighteen years about his identity, but as it turns out, no. Captain America actually is that perfect.

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And that’s the story of Tony Stark’s Red Thong Of Justice.

[From Avengers #215, #216, and #221, 1982.]

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